On becoming thirty before my time

On my birthday I really identified with this song - Life by Muthoni DQ - because in it she sings that life is what you make it.

                           

Life is plagued by controversies, some of which have no chance of being solved in this lifetime. Take the point at which life begins, for instance. Some believe that life begins way before conception, while others believe it begins anywhere between conception and childbirth depending on when they choose to terminate it. As if that were not confounding enough, another brigade insists that life begins after 40, making the problem even harder to solve.

It may not be clear when exactly life begins, but it is clear that age eventually catches up with you. Just the other day I was an impressionable teenager, with little regard for age,  glossing over women's magazines in which the writers went on and on about turning thirty. The big "three oh" - as they liked to call it - was said to be the dreaded age, when a woman began to kiss youth goodbye and to look back on the past with regret at having achieved nothing. No husband, no baby, biological clock ticking and a myriad of other worries about the things that one should have checked off the list by then. Even if the newly-turned-thirty-year-old had an enviable position at one of those blue chip companies, she still had reason to panic if at all she hadn't collected those things that society considers more important.

My mother's friend once mentioned, in passing, how turning thirty is a magical moment in a woman's life because by then, one has formed an identity and can move forward to the next phase of life without hangups.That made me flash back to the day I turned 26. For the longest time I had been fighting off people who insisted on labeling me young. On one hand the remnant influences from the women's magazines had me thinking that I needed to follow a fixed timeline and achieve certain milestones to avoid being one of those miserable women who'd just turned thirty and realised that they had run out of time. On the other hand, every time I expressed my fears that I would usher in thirty with as many cats and no man or baby to speak of, an older person would ask me how old I was and when I said 20-something, they laughed it off and told me not to worry: that I was still young. Towards the end of my 25th year of living, it dawned on me that I really was young. Then I turned 26 and suddenly felt old and unaccomplished. My heart raced as I panicked about not having enough time to do all the things I should do before I hit the third decade of life. I was turning into the miserable 30-year-old at only 26. But that phase did not last long, and I soon moved into the comfortable mid to late twenties. No pressure.

I am a few paces away from thirty, and this year I have had snippets of revelation of what awaits me at the golden age. I am no longer afraid. I am not looking forward to it (who wants to grow old?) but I know I'll feel at peace when I get there (God willing). But before then, I like the things I have seen about turning thirty.

And here they are:

Thirty is beautiful...

• You are no longer trying to keep up with the Joneses. You realise that your path is different from everyone else's. You run your race knowing that you are not competing with anyone nor can you accurately be compared with anyone because your circumstances are different. This results in a quiet, calm confidence that makes your journey easier.

• By 30 your search for an identity is over. You are no longer that confused woman who is all over the place. Instead you have a self-assurance that comes from knowing your strengths and weaknesses. 

• You do what you want without seeking anyone's approval. You couldn't care less what busybodies think about you because you are self-confident and you are not trying to please anybody.

• At thirty, you refuse to take things personally. When people do things it's about them. Some people are just weird and you won't spend your time boiling over on their account.

• You realise that not everyone can do the things you do so effortlessly and you try to develop some patience.

• You know there is no space for excuses in this life, no place for blame games. At thirty you take full responsibility - if something was to be done, you do it and if you don't, you take responsibility without trying to pass the buck.

• The best thing about being thirty is the freedom to say no to anybody without regrets, and to laugh at the weak attempts of people who want to use emotional blackmail to make you change your mind.

This quote by Maya Angelou summarises my pre-thirtieth birthday thought:

"Most people don’t grow up. It’s too damn difficult. What happens is most people get older. That’s the truth of it. They honor their credit cards, they find parking spaces, they marry, they have the nerve to have children, but they don’t grow up. Not really. They get older. But to grow up costs the earth, the earth. It means you take responsibility for the time you take up, for the space you occupy. It’s serious business. And you find out what it costs us to love and to lose, to dare and to fail. And maybe even more, to succeed. What it costs, in truth. Not superficial costs—anybody can have that—I mean in truth." 

Communications body releases answers to frequently asked questions on fake phones

Some fake phones were not switched off

Following a flood of calls that paralysed operations at the communication's commission headquarters for two days, the regulator has released a list of frequently asked questions (FAQs).

This belated list of FAQs is meant to get distressed Kenyans, who might call the commission's offices demanding answers regarding phone barring, off the its back. (Please note that you cannot reach the regulator via phone because its office phones were also barred after they were found to be fake.)

1. How do I know my phone has been switched off?
Ans: Eeh...because you pressed and held down the power-off button. Contrary to popular belief neither we nor your network provider have super powers to switch off your phone.

2. Why did they target me? My phone was the first to be switched off.


Ans: I already explained how your finger made contact with the power-off button. (If you didn't get it, check 1. again.) 

b) But how come my neighbour's fake phone was not switched off?
Ans: If your phone doesn't know networks then it's small fish and has no space on the airwaves. The alternative is for you to know people who can switch your phone back on. 

3. What is the difference between network barring and phone switch-off?
Ans: You might need to retake English language lessons.

4. How do I know my phone was barred from the network?
Ans: Count the network bars on the top left corner of the phone. If they are between one and five your phone is alive. (This does not work with the service providers who always have network problems.)

5. Speaking of network problems, why does my provider always have issues? There are too many delayed SMS and dropped calls on my congested network.
Ans: Please stick to the issue at hand, I only prepared answers concerning the phone barring!

6. What do I do now that my phone has been barred?
Ans: I don't know why you are asking this question; maybe it is because you think that CCK came up with this brilliant idea, but it is the network providers to blame for following through with this big joke. I suggest that you march from Uhuru Park to your service provider's headquarters and then look for a judge whose phone was barred to issue an arrest warrant against the head of your network company. If you are lucky enough to have university students joining your demo, you can force motorists to give you their genuine phones in exchange for your fake one.

5. No really, is my phone useless?
Ans: Regardless of what haters say, your phone may not connect to a network but it still has swagger. I suggest you call it your re-loaded PDA gadget, engrave a cool-sounding name on it, and front it as the must-have device for any bigwig worth their salt. Also, your phone has not lost the cool features it used to have and you can still use it as a calendar, phone-book, picture and music storage device and camera, among many other uses.

6. Now what next?
Ans: Don't despair, I know how you can make money from this. Just because your phone has been barred in Kenya does not mean it can't work in other countries that do not have a law to block fake phones. Collect all the 'useless' counterfeit phones you can find, ship them to neighbouring countries such as South Sudan, Tanzania and Uganda, and sell them. That way you can turn your misfortune into a profitable venture and buy the real gizmo you've always desired. The Tanzania Communications Regulatory Authority has specifically said that it will not switch off counterfeit phones because it does not wish to interfere with the people's right to communicate. What other green-light could you be waiting for?

On a serious note:
All handsets imported for sale are supposed to meet certain standards set by the Communications Commission of Kenya (CCK) in a process that is called type approval. Any handset that does not meet the standards is considered to be counterfeit. Such are the kind of phones that were barred from connecting to mobile telephone networks between 30th and 1st October 2012.

Once the phone is deactivated by the network provider, one cannot make or receive calls or messages, connect to the Internet or send or receive mobile money using the blacklisted phone. The barred phone is likely to display the message: "SIM registration failed" or you may find that the phone shows no signal strength or a "no service message". However, even if your counterfeit phone shows full signal strength you will not be able to use network services.

 Remember that the phone's hardware and other features that don't require connection to a phone network are not affected by the blacklisting and you can continue to use them. If your phone has been blacklisted you can also change the handset's IMEI number (mobile phone reprogramming), but only if the memory chip is the kind that can be overwritten, and possibly enable it to connect to a network just like before. However, CCK had warned that one of the reasons that counterfeit phones were barred is that they emit radiation above the recommended levels and thus could harm your health. Radiation levels are judged using a the Specific Absorption Rate standard, which basically refers to the amount of radio frequency energy absorbed by the body when using the handset.While all mobile phones emit RF energy, the SAR varies depending on the model. In most countries, the maximum acceptable SAR varies between 1.6 watts per kilogram to 2 watts per kilogram.

One of the standards used to measure whether a phone is genuine is the IMEI number - the code that uniquely identifies each phone. This was what was used to block counterfeit phones, as those without the unique identifier were blacklisted for barring. Nevertheless, critics say that using IMEI as the standard to identify the so-called genuine phones, blocks out small-scale phone makers, who do not produce phones at the scale required by the GSMA to be given IMEI numbers for their phones. Moreover, there is the aspect of some renowned phone makers having phones with duplicate IMEIs defeating the whole purpose of the IMEI being a unique phone identifier.

Check out the Communications Commission of Kenya's (CCK) frequently asked questions on counterfeit phones here:

http://www.cck.go.ke/counterfeit-campaign

Electoral commission to hold free elections

The electoral commission has revised its budget for the elections to be held next year to zero.

"After the recent by-elections we had a light-bulb moment and we decided to do something new.

"We want to prove that you do not need any money to host free and fair elections. We can proudly announce that we have moved from the list of the most expensive elections, to the least expensive league. When we talk of free elections, we absolutely mean it and we deserve a direct entry in the Guiness Book because we are going down in history," the electoral chief boasted during a press briefing held after hours of  meeting with electoral staff.

This decision comes as a surprise to many voters who have been watching the revisions from the initial amount of Sh 40 billion downwards to Sh33 billion and finally settling on the Sh17 billion allocated to the elections budget in June.

In reaction to this announcement, the government treasurer was pleasantly surprised because this means that the Sh17 billion he set aside for elections is up for grabs for misappropriation by the usual scavengers.

“This election was literally going to drain our coffers dry and we almost had nothing left to divert to political campaigns and also to our off-shore accounts,” he said visibly animated at the prospects of having a pseudo-windfall to play with.

When asked how the free elections would be achieved bearing in mind that election materials need to be procured and staff paid, the electoral chief said it was a secret that would be revealed at the ballot.

"We are keeping our cards close because we do not want any other electoral body to beat us to this historic achievement. But we urge all voters to show up with their identity cards because that is all they need to vote."

This development has been welcomed by most Kenyans who were wondering where the money for the pay raise awarded to teachers and lecturers to end a three-week work boycott, would come from. Moreover, random Kenyans interviewed by our reporter said that they were satisfied with the electoral body's move and called on a few other state corporations to give up the funds allocated to them in the Budget to enable the demands of doctors who are still on strike to be met.

Government rolls out plans to make corruption benefits available to all

Following the release of a corruption survey that showed unfair advantage in reaping from corruption, the government has announced that it will roll out civic education to ensure that all citizens have equal opportunities to eat the national pie. Below is the government parrot's speech to announce the plans.

Dear citizens,

I know that you have not read the corruption survey report, but do not worry because I already read it for you. I am not surprised that the usual corruption suspects have emerged tops. They perfected the art of reaping from the corruption basket a long time ago. I am also not surprised that lawyers and land surveyors are suspected to make tidy sums out of the bribes and inducements you invest in them. You are  all too kind, but I can't help feeling sorry for you because you have been reduced to victims. But do not worry, I will sort you out so that you can also reap the fruits of corruption.

As you well know by now, the recently released corruption survey cannot pass unmentioned because if it did I would have failed in my duty as the chief government parrot. I am sure you heard about the Indian minister who told his countrymen that while looting is a no-no, pinching a little bit from the public coffers is OK and I agree with him. And that is what we as a government have decided to teach you to do. It has come to our attention, by way of our advisors that every time a report on corruption is released, the common mwananchi feel shortchanged because they can only watch as the bigwigs eat. Being an election year, we cannot afford to have you all resentful towards us so we will show you how to reap where you are because you are not in a position to loot like the bigwigs. You probably remember those hapless diaspora scientists who were trying to force an anti-corruption vaccine down your babies' throats. They had us disturbed because for a moment we thought you would side with them and demand the vaccines. But thankfully you were sensible enough and defended corruption, because I'm sure we all know that one day it will be your turn to eat big. For now I can only promise to teach you how to eat the breadcrumbs as you work your way up. Last year, I promised to roll out civic education to teach you how you can also benefit from corruption.

I must apologize for the delay in rolling out this long overdue and revolutionary skills transfer programme. But as you all understand, new projects such as this provide opportunities for eating higher up the corruption chain. Hopefully after the big cats are done dipping their hands in the funds set aside for this project, there will be some left to trickle down to you in form of civic education. It is a win-win situation: A fat cat will line his pockets and you will acquire skills to play in your local corruption league. You will no longer be left out or reduced to victims who only pay bribes and watch while the receivers get wealthier. But before that let me get this off my chest.

I heard you give an average of Sh9,000 as bribes. And you call yourselves "sufferers"!? You guys are rich and soon I will teach you how to get people to line your pockets too. Also, some of you said that you don't know where to report incidents of corruption. How silly! What do you want to report corruption for? Don't be naive! Get on the bus and make some money for yourselves because times are hard. In any case, we have made sure that the offices where you could report are too far or otherwise inaccessible, so give up already!

And now dear citizens, I cannot say for sure when the civic education will start, but I can assure you that the bigwigs are almost done carving out their cuts and once we see what's left to work with we'll put you on board. In the meantime I will give you a helpful hint. This is how it works: when you want a job you bribe someone and you get in. So close your eyes and think: what are you doing every day that people can bribe you for? Wives why are you performing wifely duties for free? Teachers why do you complain about earning peanuts when you can get bribes from parents to get their children into your top-performing class? Those are just tidbits and the rest will be given to you during civic education. Until then, I am your proud parrot.

Scientists establish human mating season

Scientists are on the verge of identifying the human mating season, the preliminary report of an ongoing study has revealed.

According to leading gynaecologists based at the Human Fertility Research Programme, human beings, just like other animals, have a mating season, but this could vary from one region to another. However, the human mating season is different from the animal oestrus cycle for the obvious reason that humans are higher up the superiority chain in the animal kingdom.

"We like to think of ourselves as superior, but we are really just another bunch of animals in the jungle experiencing animal tendencies just like the rest of the beasts," Dr Reale Mate, the lead scientist in the study, said during the launch of the preliminary report.

While animals experience an oestrus cycle at specific times of the year when the female is said to be "on heat", and during which the females are sexually active, human beings are not restricted in their their sexual activity, and  can indulge at any time of the month. However, the scientists want to prove that there is a specific season when majority of  female humans conceive and that is what they are calling the mating season.

The ongoing study seeks to establish when exactly the human mating season starts based on the months when most pregnancies are recorded. The scientists suspect that contrary to public opinion which believes that mating season may be in the June - July period, the real heats start around  December to February every year.

"The Kenyan winter season (Late May to early August) does not feature anywhere on our charts because at that time, the reproductive cells are too frozen to accomplish their mission. Only the fittest make it.

"The real mating season likely starts after late September, peaking around November and December and goes up to February. The temperatures then are more conducive to give the right environment for the cells to make the reproductive journey," Dr Mate explained.

The results of the study are expected to be released  in February next year, followed by control studies to establish the validity of the claims.

In related news, women who are not currently expectant are crying foul after being left out of the prevailing baby boom. They are now calling on the government to turn back the hands of time by a few months to enable them get pregnant, so that they can also enjoy maternity leave like their colleagues.

"I never got the memo that women had plotted to be expectant at this time. It is unfortunate that I will be left at work for three lonely months while my sisters enjoy the fruits of their wombs," a distressed female worker told our reporter.

However, once the final HRFP study has been released, clueless women who do not want to be left out during the baby production season, will find it easier to synchronize their reproductive activities with the human mating season with greater success.


Did you know:


Fact or Fiction: Do women who live together menstruate together?

The claim that women who live together  have synchronised menstrual cycles has been the subject of much debate ever since it was introduced roughly 40 years ago by Martha McClintock, an American researcher. After comparing data of women who spent a lot of time together McClintock found that the gap between the menstrual onset dates decreased over one year for women who spent most of their time together. However counter- researchers have claimed that since women have persistent cycles of different lengths, their cycles can never truly synchronise. What happens is their cycles randomly phase in and out of synchrony and there is no evidence to support the synchrony claim.
The research continues.

Blast from my past: Risk and a verse

Back when I was in high school I dabbled in verse because I was bored. The education system was so intent on theory and rote learning, while I prefer something more fun, exploratory and practical.

I doodled all over my notebook instead of taking down notes, before I discovered a different way to daydream - by writing verse. My mother came across my collection and was shocked because (I guess) I had composed something a bit more grown-up than she would have expected. I stumbled on her reading it, and cursed myself for not hiding my notebooks in a safer place, but it was too late. She asked me: Is this what they teach you at school? And of course I had no answer, as I fidgeted uneasily and avoided her eyes.

I continued to compose verses till I completed school and a while longer thereafter. And that practice in writing random verses was not in vain because it won me a few Canadian dollars four years after I left high school.

Below is the winning entry in the text category of the 2008 YAHAnet's contest on risk and HIV/AIDS.

The poem illustrates that a person will engage in a behaviour which they know puts them at risk, because they are getting some sort of payoff (reward) for engaging in that behaviour. This perceived reward ensures that the person persists in a behaviour which they know has negative and unwanted consequences for them. For instance, in this poem, a girl has a boyfriend who has multiple sexual partners.The girl goes ahead to have unprotected sex with him, even though she is aware of the risk (of getting HIV) involved. She persists in this risky behaviour because she values the feeling of love she gets from this relationship so greatly, that it becomes the payoff that sustains her risky behaviour.

The verse was inspired by Dr Phil. I had just read one of his books.

PS- I do not consider myself a poet.

Deadly Payoffs: Why I Risk It

Dear auntie, when you sat me down

And told me to be careful in my relations with men

I knew you did it out of love

Don't get me wrong, I listened

And took in all you had to say

But auntie, I did not have a boyfriend then

So I thought, "It's so easy to be safe."

Dear auntie, I was so lonely

O how I longed to be loved by a man

Then he came into my life

And swept me right off my feet

I remembered your advice

And vowed to keep myself safe

But I did not know I would fall so deep in love

So I said, "I'll be safe, It's so easy"

Dear auntie he treats me so well

I feel like a princess, a star

And then came the moment

He asked me to have sex

I did not know his status, neither he mine

But it felt so natural, so safe

Even without protection

The only risk on my mind was

"Would I get pregnant?"

Dear auntie, he has three other girlfriends

I found their photos, and some used condoms at his house

I felt uneasy, could I be at risk?

And when I confronted him, he assured me

Nothing to worry about

We still do it unprotected

I wonder, "Am I really at risk?"

Dear auntie, they teach us all about HIV

In school, on tv and on the radio

Why then, do I not make good choices

To keep me safe from HIV

Auntie, I've never felt so loved before

And I do not want to lose his love

So even with all I know, I still put myself at risk

http://yahanet.org/gallery/written/271

Give me a clean needle for my vice

Burying one's head in the sand must be the most comfortable thing to do.

How else would anyone explain, the constant refusal to deal with issues that won't go away unless someone deals with them realistically? 

But it is so much easier to act like they do not exist. After all, some of these issues do not quite affect us - at least not directly.

Like the drug problem.

Once in a while a sordid television documentary shows us dazed zombies in drug abuse hot- spots. They speak of living in a self-inflicted hell that they cannot get out of; and tell of the careless risks they take to get money to feed their drug habit, without which their lives would be incomplete. And as they share the spoils of violent robberies, the needles, the blood, the high - they also share the virus.

 

Since most of us still have hearts, we are moved into wordy protests by the helplessness of the drug abuse victims.

“The drug lords are well-known and should be arrested!” we bay for blood, before we resign to fate as we realize that it is a complex affair; and slowly slide back to our relatively drug-free existence.

But for public health officials, drug users, particularly those who inject drugs, pose a big problem in their efforts to control the spread of HIV.

A report by three UN organisations  indicated that HIV prevalence among injecting drug users in Kenya was at 21 per cent. In Nairobi an estimated one in three injecting drug users are infected with HIV.

As they share needles, and possibly infected blood, they are not only a risk unto themselves, but also to the general population.

Thus, this is a group we cannot afford to ignore as we talk about getting to zero new infections. Remember the promise? 

It is against this backdrop that Kenya will join 82 other countries, worldwide, that have needle exchange programmes. The programme will be rolled out in Nairobi and Mombasa this month, and targets 49,000 injecting drug users. 

In needle exchange programmes, injecting drug users are provided with clean/sterile needles and syringes, and safe disposal of used syringes; to reduce sharing of needles and the spread of HIV, Hepatitis C and other blood-borne diseases.

Moreover, needle exchange programmes are not just about providing clean needles, they also provide an opportunity for drug users to learn about safe injection practices and disposal, safe sex and get referral for therapy, rehabilitation and treatment.

The evidence speaks for itself in countries that have adopted this kind of programme.

According to avert.org  a 1997 study carried out in 81 cities worldwide, found that HIV infection rates increased by 5.9 per cent in 52 cities without a needle exchange programme. The study published in The Lancet also found that the infection rate decreased by 5.8 per year in the 29 cities that had a needle exchange programme.

Moreover, in a ten-year study of injecting drug users in New York, HIV prevalence fell from 54 to 13 per cent following the introduction of needle exchange programmes.

However, needle exchange programmes are controversy-rousing affairs. Should government (taxes) fund programmes to give people who are self-destructing clean needles?

It is no different in Kenya, where as soon as the plan (funded by the Global Fund) was announced, opposition against it began. Many have claimed that it will only escalate the drug problem and attract new users.

It could also be argued that those who get HIV in the course of using drugs are reaping the sins of drug abuse and the risks that come with it. But at what cost to the public health system?

It seems those who are against the programme, are seeing this from one narrow angle. 

I remember a Daily Nation feature by Arthur Okwemba in March, where religious leaders were quoted saying that they regretted their previous approach to fighting HIV, after realising that using a moral lens just did not work.

They realised, 27 years after HIV was first diagnosed in Kenya, that their method contributed to among other things silence, denial, inaction and mis-action, and undermined national HIV prevention, treatment and care efforts.

According to the 2008 Kenya Aids Indicator Survey, 100,000 people are infected with HIV every year. 

While married people account for the highest rate of new infections at 44 per cent; Drug users specifically account for 3.8 per cent of the new infections.

Sharing needles among drug abusers is a major HIV transmission route. So what better way to reduce this transmission among drug users who cannot drop the habit, than needle replacement programmes that provide them with sterile needles and remove contaminated needles from circulation?

Anyone who is committed to promoting safer practices and to zero new infections, would support any programme that will help reach that mark sooner rather than later.

It is probably more expensive to treat a person living with HIV than it is to provide free needles.

You may not agree with all the interventions to fight the virus, but if something works, we should embrace it.

The Catholic Church had, for a long time, been opposed to the use of condoms, but last year in a book by Peter Seewald titled: Light of the World: The Pope, the Church and the Signs of the Times, Pope Benedict XVI hinted at a change in stance. He said contraceptives could be used in exceptional circumstances to reduce infections among certain groups.

What about you? Are you going to be part of the problem, or are you going to support a solution?