Government rolls out plans to make corruption benefits available to all

Following the release of a corruption survey that showed unfair advantage in reaping from corruption, the government has announced that it will roll out civic education to ensure that all citizens have equal opportunities to eat the national pie. Below is the government parrot's speech to announce the plans.

Dear citizens,

I know that you have not read the corruption survey report, but do not worry because I already read it for you. I am not surprised that the usual corruption suspects have emerged tops. They perfected the art of reaping from the corruption basket a long time ago. I am also not surprised that lawyers and land surveyors are suspected to make tidy sums out of the bribes and inducements you invest in them. You are  all too kind, but I can't help feeling sorry for you because you have been reduced to victims. But do not worry, I will sort you out so that you can also reap the fruits of corruption.

As you well know by now, the recently released corruption survey cannot pass unmentioned because if it did I would have failed in my duty as the chief government parrot. I am sure you heard about the Indian minister who told his countrymen that while looting is a no-no, pinching a little bit from the public coffers is OK and I agree with him. And that is what we as a government have decided to teach you to do. It has come to our attention, by way of our advisors that every time a report on corruption is released, the common mwananchi feel shortchanged because they can only watch as the bigwigs eat. Being an election year, we cannot afford to have you all resentful towards us so we will show you how to reap where you are because you are not in a position to loot like the bigwigs. You probably remember those hapless diaspora scientists who were trying to force an anti-corruption vaccine down your babies' throats. They had us disturbed because for a moment we thought you would side with them and demand the vaccines. But thankfully you were sensible enough and defended corruption, because I'm sure we all know that one day it will be your turn to eat big. For now I can only promise to teach you how to eat the breadcrumbs as you work your way up. Last year, I promised to roll out civic education to teach you how you can also benefit from corruption.

I must apologize for the delay in rolling out this long overdue and revolutionary skills transfer programme. But as you all understand, new projects such as this provide opportunities for eating higher up the corruption chain. Hopefully after the big cats are done dipping their hands in the funds set aside for this project, there will be some left to trickle down to you in form of civic education. It is a win-win situation: A fat cat will line his pockets and you will acquire skills to play in your local corruption league. You will no longer be left out or reduced to victims who only pay bribes and watch while the receivers get wealthier. But before that let me get this off my chest.

I heard you give an average of Sh9,000 as bribes. And you call yourselves "sufferers"!? You guys are rich and soon I will teach you how to get people to line your pockets too. Also, some of you said that you don't know where to report incidents of corruption. How silly! What do you want to report corruption for? Don't be naive! Get on the bus and make some money for yourselves because times are hard. In any case, we have made sure that the offices where you could report are too far or otherwise inaccessible, so give up already!

And now dear citizens, I cannot say for sure when the civic education will start, but I can assure you that the bigwigs are almost done carving out their cuts and once we see what's left to work with we'll put you on board. In the meantime I will give you a helpful hint. This is how it works: when you want a job you bribe someone and you get in. So close your eyes and think: what are you doing every day that people can bribe you for? Wives why are you performing wifely duties for free? Teachers why do you complain about earning peanuts when you can get bribes from parents to get their children into your top-performing class? Those are just tidbits and the rest will be given to you during civic education. Until then, I am your proud parrot.

No takers for new corruption vaccine

A new vaccine against corruption unveiled by Kenyan scientists in the diaspora faces resistance from Kenyans across the board.

The vaccine, which promises to guard newborns against infection with all possible strains of corruption, has received a lukewarm reception since it was announced two weeks ago.

The vaccine is hailed as a breakthrough in the fight against corruption by various international scientific journals, but the government has vowed not to include it in the national immunisation schedule.

Speaking after an emergency meeting of senior government officials, the government parrot declared that ridding the country of corruption completely was not what the government had in mind with the anti-corruption campaigns.

“We do not think a vaccine is the way to go. This is taking it too far…Our ineffective anti-corruption campaigns have been serving us well.

“Moreover, most Kenyans are beneficiaries of… of..the C-word ... I do not think it is entirely bad. The only problem is going overboard and locking some people out of it. What we should do is create equal opportunities for all to benefit from it. There is no civilised country in the world that keeps majority of its citizens from making an extra coin through ... eh ... the C-word,” the government parrot stuttered.

Donors had already pledged Sh15 billion to vaccinate every baby born in corruption hotspots around Kenya which basically means that the anti-corruption jab was to be given to every baby at birth together with the BCG vaccine. However, yesterday, most mothers stayed away from immunisation centres saying the vaccine would diminish their children’s participation in the lucrative billion-shilling graft industry.

Senior medical officials who requested not be named because of their deep involvement in corruption said adopting the vaccine would be a bad move.

“It is outrageous for someone who has been living in a Western nation to try and remove our deeply entrenched inclinations to corruption!” exclaimed a senior medical officer who bribed his way to anonymity because he has vested interests in corrupt deals.

He added that corruption is the main driver of business in various industries including the medical industry and said that such a vaccine would kill the healthcare industry.

“Corruption provides side income for workers in the public and private sector. This is what we use to buy those flashy 'flossets' which everyone wonders how we acquired.

“I believe this vaccine will interfere with wealth creation for enterprising Kenyans,” he insisted.

 A cross-section of Kenyans around the country also expressed their fears about the vaccine, saying that the vaccine would reduce access to jobs and wealth.

“Most of us have benefited directly and indirectly from corruption. I got a job I’m not qualified for through the back door,” said David a member of a new civil society group formed to fight the anti-corruption vaccine.

“Even the common mwananchi who cannot pilfer donor money has his own platform to participate, but like natural selection, only the fittest make it,” said Maria, a former civil servant who made her wealth through corruption.

Government Parrot said that civic education would be rolled out to teach all Kenyans how to benefit from corruption and dissuade citizens from getting the anti-corruption jab.

The vaccine developers based in several hospitals in the diaspora are stunned that their 20 years of scientific endeavour may go down the drain.

“We took all that talk on 'zero-tolerance' to heart and invested our lives and knowledge to come up with a vaccine to rid our motherland of corruption.

“But it appears that all the anti-corruption crusades are a gimmick to hoodwink Kenyans of integrity,” said a visibly bitter Prof Chanjo, the Head of the Anti-corruption Vaccine Initiative .

Update: Following a 20-year study on the lives of Kenyans of different ages from birth to 80 years, scientists have found that 88 per cent of Kenyans have a corruption gene embedded in their DNA. Scientists now say that Kenya's fight against corruption can only be won if they are allowed to re-engineer the DNA to remove the corruption gene and replace it with an anti-corruption gene. They are urging lawmakers to draft a law that would make it legal for them to undertake this project whose effects would likely be felt in 18 to 20 years, once the first clones reach adulthood.

Look out for another report of bogus news in the near future!