One Day I Will Write

Lately I've had episodes of wisdom and flashes of enlightenment that have me thinking it would be a good time to start writing my memoirs.

An apt title would be One Day I Will Write About This Place but Binyavanga Wainaina beat me to it with his critically acclaimed memoir. Though I have not read the book yet, the title alone is enough to get me interested. It has a nice nostalgic ring to it; the kind of nostalgia that would give me a literary high.

The East African edition published by Kwani Trust, is being launched in two days and I am already expectant.

I have read a few autobiographies and certainly The Long Walk To Freedom by Nelson Mandela left an indelible mark. But as I mentioned at the beginning, this year I have experienced events that have challenged me to shift from a memoir reader to a memoir writer.

It began in March. It was a dark month that I would rather sweep under the carpet and act as if it never happened. But something tells me that the March story has to be told at some point.

Now that I mention it, it began way before the third month, with events that lined up like stars to decide my fate. It was a steady downward spiral, sprinkled with an assuming attitude that saw me admitted to hospital.

Yeah, apart from giving me three days experience in a hospital bed, and wishing every moment that this was not happening. I met a loving, but sick mother of another young lady like myself and her words got me thinking. I got a reassurance of friendship and that of a mother's love, that would require a lengthy tribute in itself. If I have never appreciated my mother, that is when I truly understood the turmoil of motherhood and the love that tempers it.

That is a story I tell in bits because I am not ready to tell it fully. But one day I am going to write about it. I have bookmarked it in my mind and I will tell that story fully because I know it will be a balm to another person.

Reflecting on this makes me understand why, many times, the subjects of my writings want to hold back on sharing painful memories. No one wants to open wounds and shout to the world that they  were less than perfect, but the thing is that when you do, the healing begins.

Sentimental stuff is made of this, but what is life without a dose of crazy?

In my memoir I will write about dating con artists. For a person who could easily be awarded an honorary diploma in relationship expertise, by virtue of my work, I have had my fair share of hilarious drama in that area. I'm not sure where to start without breaking into endless laughter, so I'll save it for the memoir.

There are so many other stories of struggle, of triumph and defeat; comedies, epics, dramas and running over. It will make a thick book to tell this story.

Everyone has a story, which when shared will touch another life by way of entertainment, growth and in many other ways. Those who tell their stories find meaning and healing.

This is my story, what's yours?

When we died of thirst

Growing up on the slopes of Mount Kenya, where streams of pure water flow against smooth pebbles and sand, water was never an issue.

There was so much water to take for granted, especially as we splashed around in it, and disturbed the quiet life of water beetles in the process.

Of course at a certain age, girls began to hunt for water beetles. Myth had it that if you put a water beetle to your chest and it happened to bite in the right place, that place would blossom to the envy of flat-chested pre-teen girls.

I have never been one to subject myself to unnecessary pain and I opted to let the beetles be and let nature take it's course. It eventually did.

Back to the water.

With so much water around us, to do with as we pleased, it pained me to watch documentaries of young girls in arid lands, girls my age, living in the same country as I - and yet having to struggle so much for water while I played. Girls with sunken eyes and parched lips.

It touched my heart then, but little did I know that I would soon be facing water problems, though not at the scale that the parched sections of the country faced.

As I grew, so did global warming. Words like climate change became frequent in the conversations I heard. Moreover, having moved from the slopes, the reality of dry taps struck me in the face.

The water sector had by now been privatised to make the service more efficient, but as the sector changed from public to private hands, things did not just remain the same, they got worse. (What did we expect when we don't expand infrastructure to cater for the growing population?)

I had never known a scenario where you had to wait for days to get clean water flowing from the tap. But at least the water company 'gave' us water three days a week and slapped us with a regular bill every end of the month.

Recently, I had stories of frogs flowing from taps - but that is something I would not want to get into.

There are places I lived, where we had to wait up for water to the wee hours and when it came, it was a trickle that was to be shared by all the neighbours queued with their containers - from the smallest cup to the largest tank. Woe unto you if the water ran out before your turn to fetch came along.

Nowadays, water issues are a normal part of life, so when we mark World Water Day and think of sustainable ways to fix our water problems, I know where the shoe pinches.

However, I cannot claim to have walked tens of kilometres to get the precious life-sustaining liquid. On the rare occasion that the water company withholds water for more than a week, there are numerous water vendors that save us from the long walk and deliver it to our doorsteps.

We can't live without it, we need to preserve and protect our catchment areas - our water towers.  We need to use and re-use it sustainably. We need to sober up and deal with this. If we do not, we will surely die of thirst.

AOB.

1. I appeal to the water company to provide water to the Public Service Vehicle crews at least twice a week. A trip to anywhere next to a smelly, unwashed person can be rather unnerving. Sweating on a hot day doesn't mean that your body has self-cleaned - go take a bath!

2. The irony of our drinking water supplier in denying us water without notice, on World Water Day, so that we can stand in solidarity with those who lack water. We should be given adequate notice next time.

3. Is it only in Kenya where the landlord rations water? He gags it during the day, complains that you have too many guests who use gallons of water to flush the loo, and generally polices your water use like a maniac. You have to apply to use water for every little thing. Surely, we are more responsible than that now - especially after realizing how endangered the liquid is.

4. Who follows that advice about taking eight glasses a day consistently? It is good for you, but we all know that we seldom do what the doctor ordered, unless it becomes a matter of life or death.

Forty days: putting a number to it

There was a time when time was simple.

There was only time to get up, to take porridge, to take a bath, to nap, to eat, to play and then sleep in a cycle that rolled over. 

But that was before school came in and smashed this principle of time being an endless stretch to infinity.

It was there that time morphed into a concrete 24 hours to each day. And boy did it drag on. The years ahead seemed so far off.  Improbable events. But time chipped away at the long years and before I knew it school was over and then time got wings and flew.

I have lived over 8000 days in my life. So what does a couple of days – make that 40 – matter to anyone on the background of so many others?  It does when you number your days publicly. Because countdowns are usually about D-day when something significant will happen.

And naturally, those who know about the countdown want to know what D-day is all about. I'll tell you what it was not about.

No it was not about eloping, or making a career change or even having a baby.

It would probably take me more than forty days to do any of those things, though when I started out, I would have imagined those events probable in the span of such a long period. Forty seemed like this huge number and I felt fatigued just thinking about how I would trudge through the days.

How wrong I was.

The first ten days got tougher with each rising sun, but I knew backing out was not an option and I knew from previous experience that it gets easier, then worsens and then it’s over.

It was very much like rehab, with slips and falls, and rising up to do it again and eventually I got to day one.

It has been a couple of days since D-day, and the curious ones still want to hold me to account.

This is not the tell-all kind of tale, dripping with juice and mystery that has  listeners hanging onto every word. 

It was rehab and bootcamp all rolled into one. What-about I cannot tell because it has little to do with anyone else but me.

What I am saying is that numbering your days can help you become more aware and more focused towards a change you want to bring about, or more ready for something you are looking forward to.

Numbering your days will help you shed old skin, acquire new ways or build that exhilarating anticipation to the eventual big day when you toast to D-day. Go ahead and try it.

No takers for new corruption vaccine

A new vaccine against corruption unveiled by Kenyan scientists in the diaspora faces resistance from Kenyans across the board.

The vaccine, which promises to guard newborns against infection with all possible strains of corruption, has received a lukewarm reception since it was announced two weeks ago.

The vaccine is hailed as a breakthrough in the fight against corruption by various international scientific journals, but the government has vowed not to include it in the national immunisation schedule.

Speaking after an emergency meeting of senior government officials, the government parrot declared that ridding the country of corruption completely was not what the government had in mind with the anti-corruption campaigns.

“We do not think a vaccine is the way to go. This is taking it too far…Our ineffective anti-corruption campaigns have been serving us well.

“Moreover, most Kenyans are beneficiaries of… of..the C-word ... I do not think it is entirely bad. The only problem is going overboard and locking some people out of it. What we should do is create equal opportunities for all to benefit from it. There is no civilised country in the world that keeps majority of its citizens from making an extra coin through ... eh ... the C-word,” the government parrot stuttered.

Donors had already pledged Sh15 billion to vaccinate every baby born in corruption hotspots around Kenya which basically means that the anti-corruption jab was to be given to every baby at birth together with the BCG vaccine. However, yesterday, most mothers stayed away from immunisation centres saying the vaccine would diminish their children’s participation in the lucrative billion-shilling graft industry.

Senior medical officials who requested not be named because of their deep involvement in corruption said adopting the vaccine would be a bad move.

“It is outrageous for someone who has been living in a Western nation to try and remove our deeply entrenched inclinations to corruption!” exclaimed a senior medical officer who bribed his way to anonymity because he has vested interests in corrupt deals.

He added that corruption is the main driver of business in various industries including the medical industry and said that such a vaccine would kill the healthcare industry.

“Corruption provides side income for workers in the public and private sector. This is what we use to buy those flashy 'flossets' which everyone wonders how we acquired.

“I believe this vaccine will interfere with wealth creation for enterprising Kenyans,” he insisted.

 A cross-section of Kenyans around the country also expressed their fears about the vaccine, saying that the vaccine would reduce access to jobs and wealth.

“Most of us have benefited directly and indirectly from corruption. I got a job I’m not qualified for through the back door,” said David a member of a new civil society group formed to fight the anti-corruption vaccine.

“Even the common mwananchi who cannot pilfer donor money has his own platform to participate, but like natural selection, only the fittest make it,” said Maria, a former civil servant who made her wealth through corruption.

Government Parrot said that civic education would be rolled out to teach all Kenyans how to benefit from corruption and dissuade citizens from getting the anti-corruption jab.

The vaccine developers based in several hospitals in the diaspora are stunned that their 20 years of scientific endeavour may go down the drain.

“We took all that talk on 'zero-tolerance' to heart and invested our lives and knowledge to come up with a vaccine to rid our motherland of corruption.

“But it appears that all the anti-corruption crusades are a gimmick to hoodwink Kenyans of integrity,” said a visibly bitter Prof Chanjo, the Head of the Anti-corruption Vaccine Initiative .

Update: Following a 20-year study on the lives of Kenyans of different ages from birth to 80 years, scientists have found that 88 per cent of Kenyans have a corruption gene embedded in their DNA. Scientists now say that Kenya's fight against corruption can only be won if they are allowed to re-engineer the DNA to remove the corruption gene and replace it with an anti-corruption gene. They are urging lawmakers to draft a law that would make it legal for them to undertake this project whose effects would likely be felt in 18 to 20 years, once the first clones reach adulthood.

Look out for another report of bogus news in the near future!

The meaning of dreams

It is not rare for a dream to leave a lasting impression that spills over to the dreamer's waking thoughts.

I am one of those who dream often and can recall the substance of my dreams when I wake up.My dreams are usually a jumble of events from my past, present and future life thrown together to entertain me while I sleep.

Mostly, the things I dream about don't make sense. In my dreams, events that happened in the past are interwoven with future aspirations with some surprising, and sometimes humorous twists. Throw in the occasional scare of a mislaid nightmare and you have the full terrain of the subject of my dreams.

I don't only dream gibberish, often I dream about events in a natural progression that seems so real that when I wake up I’m surprised it was just a dream.

And of course, every once in a while I get a dream that seems to be more than just a dose of entertainment while I sleep. Some dreams appear to have a deeper message that requires action and that was the kind of dream I had a couple of nights ago.


Dreamleaks

Coming from a family of dreamers whose vivid dreams reveal the hidden present and give glimpses of what will happen in future, I had reason to read deeper meaning into my dream. When one of my kin dreams, the dream usually turns out to be an accurate revelation of real events. The good thing about these prophetic dreams is that they keep me in check, since I worry that any mischief I might be up to will be revealed to one of us in a dream.

Since family secrets should not be divulged to all and sundry, I will desist from leaking some true revelations that came through the dreams of my kin. But I can say that when providence was endowing my family the gift of revealing dreams, I probably received the smallest share.

Dream interpretation is as old as the ages. In the Bible and in some ancient civilisations like Egypt dreams were seen as a means through which supernatural messages were conveyed to the dreamer, but the catch was that only those with special powers could unravel their meanings. Sigmund Freud - the psychoanalyst- in his book on the interpretation of dreams, also wrote that dreams were an expression of the dreamer’s unfulfilled wishes.

The desire to read deeper meanings in dreams did not fade out with the ancients. Even today people wonder about the depth of meaning in dreams. That is why there are dream interpreters and dream dictionaries to help you interpret the meaning of the movies that play in your head while you sleep.

There are numerous dream symbols that can be interpreted to mean all sorts of things. For instance one dream dictionary explained that a dream with clothespins in it could mean that “you are trying to get a firmer grasp on your public self". But commonplace images like pegs do not worry me. It is a dream like the one I had recently that bothers me.

In fact it is not the whole dream that perturbs but rather the part with a snake in it, and a cobra for that matter. The beginning of the dream was filled with petty disagreements among friends. The middle displayed some friends doing laundry in my backyard and finally the part that jolted me: I was at the backyard and sitting on a manhole near me was a cobra poised to attack. I felt powerless to move and knew that I would be the snake’s victim.

If I escaped it would be with a cobra bite to nurse. I tried to strategise on how I would escape but deep inside I knew I couldn’t. I do not know what happened next; but when I woke up I remember wondering whether the dream had a deeper message to convey, because I hardly ever dream about snakes.

If I had sought the advise of a psychoanalyst on the meaning of my dream, he or she would probably have told me there were some fears or unresolved concerns that the dream was calling my attention to.

Flipping through online dream dictionaries has not given me a satisfactory explanation as to why I had this dream. But my instincts tell me there are some subconscious fears I need to deal with.

In the meantime, I’ll dream on and in so doing my subconscious fears, perceptions and aspirations will be laid bare before me.

Government announces new measures to protect citizens from extreme heat

The government has announced new measures to help citizens cope with record high temperatures currently being experienced in the country. The announcement follows huge public demand for the government to act and protect its citizens from the unforgiving sun.

A statement sent from the office of public communications to media houses read in part:

“Due to the unprecedented heat we have decided, after long and drawn out consultations, to let our citizens walk ‘free’ to minimize the effects of the scorching sun.”

Chief government parrot said during an emergency press briefing that the government had heard the cry of the common man and was committed to liberating citizens from the shackles of too much heat.

“As a government we have noticed that this is a new phenomenon, never experienced before in this country and we have decided to do something about it.”

On being asked to clarify what exactly this directive to walk ‘free’ meant, the Chief Government know-it-all had this to say:

“The government has heard your cry. You said: Tunaomba serikali iangalie hii maneno. Hii jua itatumaliza (We beg the government to intervene in this situation. The sun will destroy us.) and we heard you. You can choose to interpret it the way you wish, but we are just saying that people have now been freed from the uncomfortable heat,” he said.

Government meteorologists present during the media briefing said even they did not know how hot it really was. But before they could give details, the government parrot blurted out an explanation.

“Our thermometers are not calibrated to register temperatures that exceed the ones that we are used to here. In fact we will fast-track the process of procuring super-thermometers from China which can show temperatures that are even out-of-this world,” he said.

Religious leaders, who later held a press conference to condemn the new government directive, said they would hold countrywide demonstrations to oppose it.

“We cannot allow the government to let people walk nude. This directive is unafrican and unconstitutional and we urge all citizens of good repute to disregard it,” the leaders said.

But citizens from all walks of life welcomed the move saying that for the first time ever, the government had responded to the ‘tunaomba serikali’ cry. The police spokesman, on the other hand, told reporters that anyone found walking with few or no clothes under the guise of ease from the sun’s heat would be arrested.

“Even the people on the Masinde Muliro Gardens bench are fully clothed as they go about their business. We cannot interfere with people’s rights in Muliro Gardens. But other citizens cannot use the sun as the excuse to bare it all. We will charge them with indecent exposure, government directive or not,” she declared.

However, the government defended the directive saying that it was absolutely necessary. It blamed the current idiotic utterances by the political class and the ordinary mwananchi alike on the beyond-hellish temperatures; saying the pronouncement would keep everyone within normal sanity levels.

Celebrating New Year again – the Chinese way

Chun jie kuai le!

Two weekends ago I had the pleasure of joining the Chinese community in Kenya in celebrating their new year. I had already marked New Year, a few weeks back, with a large portion of the world, which follows the Gregorian calendar. But there is something uplifting about new beginnings, so I did not hesitate to join the fray again.

The ceremony was to begin promptly at four, but it seems we have a lot in common with the Asian tigers when it comes to timekeeping. Two hours into the scheduled time, we were still waiting for the event to begin, and when it finally did, I almost walked out in protest. It turned out that we had been waiting for a Kenyan foreign affairs official -the chief guest- to arrive, before the ceremony could begin. That sort of got the Chinese off my list of  ‘African timers’. However, they still failed, in part, for not distracting the audience with entertainment during that long wait before the real act began.

After a few speeches, the cultural showcase finally began. I am big on culture, so I was looking forward to some exciting performances and I wasn’t disappointed. Art appreciation knows no language barriers, so despite my faltering grasp of Chinese, the language of the day, I was fully taken in by the performances. The dancers had electrifying moves that made the audience want to join them on stage, the singers had silky voices that penetrated deep into the soul and the overall oriental energy on display was captivating.

Why can’t the Chinese celebrate New Year with the rest of the world?

Unlike the Gregorian calendar, recognised by most of the world as the official measure of years, the Chinese calendar is based on a combination of lunar and solar movements. To harmonise the two, an extra month is inserted once every few years, just like an extra day is added every leap year on the Gregorian calendar. That is why the Chinese New Year falls on a different date each year.

New year’s day falls on the first day of the new moon after winter. For the Chinese, New Year is not just a one-day affair. It is a 15-day festival, also known as the spring festival that is marked with pomp, colour and festivity. During this festival, the colour red is used prominently because it is believed to attract good fortune. The crowning moment is the last day during which the lantern festival is held.

Like in other cultures, New Year among the Chinese is a time for family reunions.  Family members come together to celebrate, feast, and give thanks for the old and new year,  and to mark a new beginning.

Many rituals and symbols of good luck accompany the celebrations. One that struck me is the one where all houses are spring-cleaned from corner to corner in readiness for New Year. This ritual is supposed to remove any bad luck lurking in the house and open up the house to good fortune. I bet no Chinese house would be featured in the How Clean is Your House reality TV show. And of course the festival would be incomplete without the fireworks,dragon dances and parades on display throughout the two-week festival.

I did not wait long enough for the ceremony to end, but I left with the knowledge that 2011 is the year of the rabbit – a far cry from the ferocious year of the tiger that was marked last year. But docility is a welcome retreat from the bold, aggressive and unrelenting approach of the past year. People born in this year i.e. rabbits are believed to be keen, wise, tranquil, sneaky, fragile and fashionable among other traits. If I were Chinese I’d say this is going to be a calm year when some of the most dazzling works of fashion will be created. So my Chinese gene is yearning for an impressive Jimmy Choo collection some time this year.