No takers for new corruption vaccine

A new vaccine against corruption unveiled by Kenyan scientists in the diaspora faces resistance from Kenyans across the board.

The vaccine, which promises to guard newborns against infection with all possible strains of corruption, has received a lukewarm reception since it was announced two weeks ago.

The vaccine is hailed as a breakthrough in the fight against corruption by various international scientific journals, but the government has vowed not to include it in the national immunisation schedule.

Speaking after an emergency meeting of senior government officials, the government parrot declared that ridding the country of corruption completely was not what the government had in mind with the anti-corruption campaigns.

“We do not think a vaccine is the way to go. This is taking it too far…Our ineffective anti-corruption campaigns have been serving us well.

“Moreover, most Kenyans are beneficiaries of… of..the C-word ... I do not think it is entirely bad. The only problem is going overboard and locking some people out of it. What we should do is create equal opportunities for all to benefit from it. There is no civilised country in the world that keeps majority of its citizens from making an extra coin through ... eh ... the C-word,” the government parrot stuttered.

Donors had already pledged Sh15 billion to vaccinate every baby born in corruption hotspots around Kenya which basically means that the anti-corruption jab was to be given to every baby at birth together with the BCG vaccine. However, yesterday, most mothers stayed away from immunisation centres saying the vaccine would diminish their children’s participation in the lucrative billion-shilling graft industry.

Senior medical officials who requested not be named because of their deep involvement in corruption said adopting the vaccine would be a bad move.

“It is outrageous for someone who has been living in a Western nation to try and remove our deeply entrenched inclinations to corruption!” exclaimed a senior medical officer who bribed his way to anonymity because he has vested interests in corrupt deals.

He added that corruption is the main driver of business in various industries including the medical industry and said that such a vaccine would kill the healthcare industry.

“Corruption provides side income for workers in the public and private sector. This is what we use to buy those flashy 'flossets' which everyone wonders how we acquired.

“I believe this vaccine will interfere with wealth creation for enterprising Kenyans,” he insisted.

 A cross-section of Kenyans around the country also expressed their fears about the vaccine, saying that the vaccine would reduce access to jobs and wealth.

“Most of us have benefited directly and indirectly from corruption. I got a job I’m not qualified for through the back door,” said David a member of a new civil society group formed to fight the anti-corruption vaccine.

“Even the common mwananchi who cannot pilfer donor money has his own platform to participate, but like natural selection, only the fittest make it,” said Maria, a former civil servant who made her wealth through corruption.

Government Parrot said that civic education would be rolled out to teach all Kenyans how to benefit from corruption and dissuade citizens from getting the anti-corruption jab.

The vaccine developers based in several hospitals in the diaspora are stunned that their 20 years of scientific endeavour may go down the drain.

“We took all that talk on 'zero-tolerance' to heart and invested our lives and knowledge to come up with a vaccine to rid our motherland of corruption.

“But it appears that all the anti-corruption crusades are a gimmick to hoodwink Kenyans of integrity,” said a visibly bitter Prof Chanjo, the Head of the Anti-corruption Vaccine Initiative .

Update: Following a 20-year study on the lives of Kenyans of different ages from birth to 80 years, scientists have found that 88 per cent of Kenyans have a corruption gene embedded in their DNA. Scientists now say that Kenya's fight against corruption can only be won if they are allowed to re-engineer the DNA to remove the corruption gene and replace it with an anti-corruption gene. They are urging lawmakers to draft a law that would make it legal for them to undertake this project whose effects would likely be felt in 18 to 20 years, once the first clones reach adulthood.

Look out for another report of bogus news in the near future!