Government announces new measures to protect citizens from extreme heat

The government has announced new measures to help citizens cope with record high temperatures currently being experienced in the country. The announcement follows huge public demand for the government to act and protect its citizens from the unforgiving sun.

A statement sent from the office of public communications to media houses read in part:

“Due to the unprecedented heat we have decided, after long and drawn out consultations, to let our citizens walk ‘free’ to minimize the effects of the scorching sun.”

Chief government parrot said during an emergency press briefing that the government had heard the cry of the common man and was committed to liberating citizens from the shackles of too much heat.

“As a government we have noticed that this is a new phenomenon, never experienced before in this country and we have decided to do something about it.”

On being asked to clarify what exactly this directive to walk ‘free’ meant, the Chief Government know-it-all had this to say:

“The government has heard your cry. You said: Tunaomba serikali iangalie hii maneno. Hii jua itatumaliza (We beg the government to intervene in this situation. The sun will destroy us.) and we heard you. You can choose to interpret it the way you wish, but we are just saying that people have now been freed from the uncomfortable heat,” he said.

Government meteorologists present during the media briefing said even they did not know how hot it really was. But before they could give details, the government parrot blurted out an explanation.

“Our thermometers are not calibrated to register temperatures that exceed the ones that we are used to here. In fact we will fast-track the process of procuring super-thermometers from China which can show temperatures that are even out-of-this world,” he said.

Religious leaders, who later held a press conference to condemn the new government directive, said they would hold countrywide demonstrations to oppose it.

“We cannot allow the government to let people walk nude. This directive is unafrican and unconstitutional and we urge all citizens of good repute to disregard it,” the leaders said.

But citizens from all walks of life welcomed the move saying that for the first time ever, the government had responded to the ‘tunaomba serikali’ cry. The police spokesman, on the other hand, told reporters that anyone found walking with few or no clothes under the guise of ease from the sun’s heat would be arrested.

“Even the people on the Masinde Muliro Gardens bench are fully clothed as they go about their business. We cannot interfere with people’s rights in Muliro Gardens. But other citizens cannot use the sun as the excuse to bare it all. We will charge them with indecent exposure, government directive or not,” she declared.

However, the government defended the directive saying that it was absolutely necessary. It blamed the current idiotic utterances by the political class and the ordinary mwananchi alike on the beyond-hellish temperatures; saying the pronouncement would keep everyone within normal sanity levels.