Forty days: putting a number to it

There was a time when time was simple.

There was only time to get up, to take porridge, to take a bath, to nap, to eat, to play and then sleep in a cycle that rolled over. 

But that was before school came in and smashed this principle of time being an endless stretch to infinity.

It was there that time morphed into a concrete 24 hours to each day. And boy did it drag on. The years ahead seemed so far off.  Improbable events. But time chipped away at the long years and before I knew it school was over and then time got wings and flew.

I have lived over 8000 days in my life. So what does a couple of days – make that 40 – matter to anyone on the background of so many others?  It does when you number your days publicly. Because countdowns are usually about D-day when something significant will happen.

And naturally, those who know about the countdown want to know what D-day is all about. I'll tell you what it was not about.

No it was not about eloping, or making a career change or even having a baby.

It would probably take me more than forty days to do any of those things, though when I started out, I would have imagined those events probable in the span of such a long period. Forty seemed like this huge number and I felt fatigued just thinking about how I would trudge through the days.

How wrong I was.

The first ten days got tougher with each rising sun, but I knew backing out was not an option and I knew from previous experience that it gets easier, then worsens and then it’s over.

It was very much like rehab, with slips and falls, and rising up to do it again and eventually I got to day one.

It has been a couple of days since D-day, and the curious ones still want to hold me to account.

This is not the tell-all kind of tale, dripping with juice and mystery that has  listeners hanging onto every word. 

It was rehab and bootcamp all rolled into one. What-about I cannot tell because it has little to do with anyone else but me.

What I am saying is that numbering your days can help you become more aware and more focused towards a change you want to bring about, or more ready for something you are looking forward to.

Numbering your days will help you shed old skin, acquire new ways or build that exhilarating anticipation to the eventual big day when you toast to D-day. Go ahead and try it.

No takers for new corruption vaccine

A new vaccine against corruption unveiled by Kenyan scientists in the diaspora faces resistance from Kenyans across the board.

The vaccine, which promises to guard newborns against infection with all possible strains of corruption, has received a lukewarm reception since it was announced two weeks ago.

The vaccine is hailed as a breakthrough in the fight against corruption by various international scientific journals, but the government has vowed not to include it in the national immunisation schedule.

Speaking after an emergency meeting of senior government officials, the government parrot declared that ridding the country of corruption completely was not what the government had in mind with the anti-corruption campaigns.

“We do not think a vaccine is the way to go. This is taking it too far…Our ineffective anti-corruption campaigns have been serving us well.

“Moreover, most Kenyans are beneficiaries of… of..the C-word ... I do not think it is entirely bad. The only problem is going overboard and locking some people out of it. What we should do is create equal opportunities for all to benefit from it. There is no civilised country in the world that keeps majority of its citizens from making an extra coin through ... eh ... the C-word,” the government parrot stuttered.

Donors had already pledged Sh15 billion to vaccinate every baby born in corruption hotspots around Kenya which basically means that the anti-corruption jab was to be given to every baby at birth together with the BCG vaccine. However, yesterday, most mothers stayed away from immunisation centres saying the vaccine would diminish their children’s participation in the lucrative billion-shilling graft industry.

Senior medical officials who requested not be named because of their deep involvement in corruption said adopting the vaccine would be a bad move.

“It is outrageous for someone who has been living in a Western nation to try and remove our deeply entrenched inclinations to corruption!” exclaimed a senior medical officer who bribed his way to anonymity because he has vested interests in corrupt deals.

He added that corruption is the main driver of business in various industries including the medical industry and said that such a vaccine would kill the healthcare industry.

“Corruption provides side income for workers in the public and private sector. This is what we use to buy those flashy 'flossets' which everyone wonders how we acquired.

“I believe this vaccine will interfere with wealth creation for enterprising Kenyans,” he insisted.

 A cross-section of Kenyans around the country also expressed their fears about the vaccine, saying that the vaccine would reduce access to jobs and wealth.

“Most of us have benefited directly and indirectly from corruption. I got a job I’m not qualified for through the back door,” said David a member of a new civil society group formed to fight the anti-corruption vaccine.

“Even the common mwananchi who cannot pilfer donor money has his own platform to participate, but like natural selection, only the fittest make it,” said Maria, a former civil servant who made her wealth through corruption.

Government Parrot said that civic education would be rolled out to teach all Kenyans how to benefit from corruption and dissuade citizens from getting the anti-corruption jab.

The vaccine developers based in several hospitals in the diaspora are stunned that their 20 years of scientific endeavour may go down the drain.

“We took all that talk on 'zero-tolerance' to heart and invested our lives and knowledge to come up with a vaccine to rid our motherland of corruption.

“But it appears that all the anti-corruption crusades are a gimmick to hoodwink Kenyans of integrity,” said a visibly bitter Prof Chanjo, the Head of the Anti-corruption Vaccine Initiative .

Update: Following a 20-year study on the lives of Kenyans of different ages from birth to 80 years, scientists have found that 88 per cent of Kenyans have a corruption gene embedded in their DNA. Scientists now say that Kenya's fight against corruption can only be won if they are allowed to re-engineer the DNA to remove the corruption gene and replace it with an anti-corruption gene. They are urging lawmakers to draft a law that would make it legal for them to undertake this project whose effects would likely be felt in 18 to 20 years, once the first clones reach adulthood.

Look out for another report of bogus news in the near future!

The meaning of dreams

It is not rare for a dream to leave a lasting impression that spills over to the dreamer's waking thoughts.

I am one of those who dream often and can recall the substance of my dreams when I wake up.My dreams are usually a jumble of events from my past, present and future life thrown together to entertain me while I sleep.

Mostly, the things I dream about don't make sense. In my dreams, events that happened in the past are interwoven with future aspirations with some surprising, and sometimes humorous twists. Throw in the occasional scare of a mislaid nightmare and you have the full terrain of the subject of my dreams.

I don't only dream gibberish, often I dream about events in a natural progression that seems so real that when I wake up I’m surprised it was just a dream.

And of course, every once in a while I get a dream that seems to be more than just a dose of entertainment while I sleep. Some dreams appear to have a deeper message that requires action and that was the kind of dream I had a couple of nights ago.


Dreamleaks

Coming from a family of dreamers whose vivid dreams reveal the hidden present and give glimpses of what will happen in future, I had reason to read deeper meaning into my dream. When one of my kin dreams, the dream usually turns out to be an accurate revelation of real events. The good thing about these prophetic dreams is that they keep me in check, since I worry that any mischief I might be up to will be revealed to one of us in a dream.

Since family secrets should not be divulged to all and sundry, I will desist from leaking some true revelations that came through the dreams of my kin. But I can say that when providence was endowing my family the gift of revealing dreams, I probably received the smallest share.

Dream interpretation is as old as the ages. In the Bible and in some ancient civilisations like Egypt dreams were seen as a means through which supernatural messages were conveyed to the dreamer, but the catch was that only those with special powers could unravel their meanings. Sigmund Freud - the psychoanalyst- in his book on the interpretation of dreams, also wrote that dreams were an expression of the dreamer’s unfulfilled wishes.

The desire to read deeper meanings in dreams did not fade out with the ancients. Even today people wonder about the depth of meaning in dreams. That is why there are dream interpreters and dream dictionaries to help you interpret the meaning of the movies that play in your head while you sleep.

There are numerous dream symbols that can be interpreted to mean all sorts of things. For instance one dream dictionary explained that a dream with clothespins in it could mean that “you are trying to get a firmer grasp on your public self". But commonplace images like pegs do not worry me. It is a dream like the one I had recently that bothers me.

In fact it is not the whole dream that perturbs but rather the part with a snake in it, and a cobra for that matter. The beginning of the dream was filled with petty disagreements among friends. The middle displayed some friends doing laundry in my backyard and finally the part that jolted me: I was at the backyard and sitting on a manhole near me was a cobra poised to attack. I felt powerless to move and knew that I would be the snake’s victim.

If I escaped it would be with a cobra bite to nurse. I tried to strategise on how I would escape but deep inside I knew I couldn’t. I do not know what happened next; but when I woke up I remember wondering whether the dream had a deeper message to convey, because I hardly ever dream about snakes.

If I had sought the advise of a psychoanalyst on the meaning of my dream, he or she would probably have told me there were some fears or unresolved concerns that the dream was calling my attention to.

Flipping through online dream dictionaries has not given me a satisfactory explanation as to why I had this dream. But my instincts tell me there are some subconscious fears I need to deal with.

In the meantime, I’ll dream on and in so doing my subconscious fears, perceptions and aspirations will be laid bare before me.

Government announces new measures to protect citizens from extreme heat

The government has announced new measures to help citizens cope with record high temperatures currently being experienced in the country. The announcement follows huge public demand for the government to act and protect its citizens from the unforgiving sun.

A statement sent from the office of public communications to media houses read in part:

“Due to the unprecedented heat we have decided, after long and drawn out consultations, to let our citizens walk ‘free’ to minimize the effects of the scorching sun.”

Chief government parrot said during an emergency press briefing that the government had heard the cry of the common man and was committed to liberating citizens from the shackles of too much heat.

“As a government we have noticed that this is a new phenomenon, never experienced before in this country and we have decided to do something about it.”

On being asked to clarify what exactly this directive to walk ‘free’ meant, the Chief Government know-it-all had this to say:

“The government has heard your cry. You said: Tunaomba serikali iangalie hii maneno. Hii jua itatumaliza (We beg the government to intervene in this situation. The sun will destroy us.) and we heard you. You can choose to interpret it the way you wish, but we are just saying that people have now been freed from the uncomfortable heat,” he said.

Government meteorologists present during the media briefing said even they did not know how hot it really was. But before they could give details, the government parrot blurted out an explanation.

“Our thermometers are not calibrated to register temperatures that exceed the ones that we are used to here. In fact we will fast-track the process of procuring super-thermometers from China which can show temperatures that are even out-of-this world,” he said.

Religious leaders, who later held a press conference to condemn the new government directive, said they would hold countrywide demonstrations to oppose it.

“We cannot allow the government to let people walk nude. This directive is unafrican and unconstitutional and we urge all citizens of good repute to disregard it,” the leaders said.

But citizens from all walks of life welcomed the move saying that for the first time ever, the government had responded to the ‘tunaomba serikali’ cry. The police spokesman, on the other hand, told reporters that anyone found walking with few or no clothes under the guise of ease from the sun’s heat would be arrested.

“Even the people on the Masinde Muliro Gardens bench are fully clothed as they go about their business. We cannot interfere with people’s rights in Muliro Gardens. But other citizens cannot use the sun as the excuse to bare it all. We will charge them with indecent exposure, government directive or not,” she declared.

However, the government defended the directive saying that it was absolutely necessary. It blamed the current idiotic utterances by the political class and the ordinary mwananchi alike on the beyond-hellish temperatures; saying the pronouncement would keep everyone within normal sanity levels.

Celebrating New Year again – the Chinese way

Chun jie kuai le!

Two weekends ago I had the pleasure of joining the Chinese community in Kenya in celebrating their new year. I had already marked New Year, a few weeks back, with a large portion of the world, which follows the Gregorian calendar. But there is something uplifting about new beginnings, so I did not hesitate to join the fray again.

The ceremony was to begin promptly at four, but it seems we have a lot in common with the Asian tigers when it comes to timekeeping. Two hours into the scheduled time, we were still waiting for the event to begin, and when it finally did, I almost walked out in protest. It turned out that we had been waiting for a Kenyan foreign affairs official -the chief guest- to arrive, before the ceremony could begin. That sort of got the Chinese off my list of  ‘African timers’. However, they still failed, in part, for not distracting the audience with entertainment during that long wait before the real act began.

After a few speeches, the cultural showcase finally began. I am big on culture, so I was looking forward to some exciting performances and I wasn’t disappointed. Art appreciation knows no language barriers, so despite my faltering grasp of Chinese, the language of the day, I was fully taken in by the performances. The dancers had electrifying moves that made the audience want to join them on stage, the singers had silky voices that penetrated deep into the soul and the overall oriental energy on display was captivating.

Why can’t the Chinese celebrate New Year with the rest of the world?

Unlike the Gregorian calendar, recognised by most of the world as the official measure of years, the Chinese calendar is based on a combination of lunar and solar movements. To harmonise the two, an extra month is inserted once every few years, just like an extra day is added every leap year on the Gregorian calendar. That is why the Chinese New Year falls on a different date each year.

New year’s day falls on the first day of the new moon after winter. For the Chinese, New Year is not just a one-day affair. It is a 15-day festival, also known as the spring festival that is marked with pomp, colour and festivity. During this festival, the colour red is used prominently because it is believed to attract good fortune. The crowning moment is the last day during which the lantern festival is held.

Like in other cultures, New Year among the Chinese is a time for family reunions.  Family members come together to celebrate, feast, and give thanks for the old and new year,  and to mark a new beginning.

Many rituals and symbols of good luck accompany the celebrations. One that struck me is the one where all houses are spring-cleaned from corner to corner in readiness for New Year. This ritual is supposed to remove any bad luck lurking in the house and open up the house to good fortune. I bet no Chinese house would be featured in the How Clean is Your House reality TV show. And of course the festival would be incomplete without the fireworks,dragon dances and parades on display throughout the two-week festival.

I did not wait long enough for the ceremony to end, but I left with the knowledge that 2011 is the year of the rabbit – a far cry from the ferocious year of the tiger that was marked last year. But docility is a welcome retreat from the bold, aggressive and unrelenting approach of the past year. People born in this year i.e. rabbits are believed to be keen, wise, tranquil, sneaky, fragile and fashionable among other traits. If I were Chinese I’d say this is going to be a calm year when some of the most dazzling works of fashion will be created. So my Chinese gene is yearning for an impressive Jimmy Choo collection some time this year.

If it's my son, he is innocent

When one of our relatives or friends is accused of misbehaving, our first instinct as human beings is to protect them from the ‘false’ claims.  In our eyes, our kith and kin can do no wrong.

Try accusing my brother of something evil or criminal and I will stare at you in disbelief, accuse you of malice and dismiss your ignorant claims. After all, this is my 'innocent' brother we are talking about. Never mind that I hardly know anything about him any more. My brother is not capable of veering from the straight and narrow simply because he is my kin. No wonder they say blood is thicker.

Even in schools, when a child is sent home for a misdemeanour, the parents take him back breathing fire. Their fury caused by an unimaginable accusation visited upon an innocent child – in his parent’s eyes.

It comes as no surprise then when Kenyan politicians retreat to their tribal or political cocoons for protection knowing very well that they will find the very desired protection therein. No one in the political class can ever be held to account without his kinsmen coming to his rescue with cries of persecution.

Lately the sense of kinship has extended to political parties. Whereas in the past a party could easily treat their disgraced member like a disposable fall guy; recently we are seeing strange things where party officials rally behind one of their own, whenever he or she is put in the dock.

It is not uncommon to hear claims of "our members are being targeted" or "they want to decimate our numbers before the next election" among other tactics employed to protect members from alleged persecution.

While it is good to show loyalty to one of your own, the law must be allowed to run its course. Our friends and relatives are not infallible and they should be allowed to face the consequences of their actions, without any interference on our part.

It would be a better society if we could release our dear ones to the same law we want to apply to others.

Introduce quotas to help Kenyans from poor backgrounds marry into wealth

Statement on the need for relationship quotas by Best Kenya - the only genuine human rights organisation

The introduction of the new quota system that gives pupils from public primary schools a chance to attend national secondary schools is timely. We laud the government for implementing this long overdue policy that will promote a more equal society.

The government should now go a step further to ensure that only students from public secondary schools attend public universities and other public institutions of higher learning. In the same vein, only graduates from public universities should be employed in the public sector. This will complete the whole equality equation.

In the spirit of providing equal opportunities to all Kenyans, the government should also introduce other quotas to bridge the ever-widening gap between the rich and the poor.

As the only genuine human rights civil organisation, it has come to our attention that it is not only the education system that needs these quotas. There are many areas in the Kenyan society that require deliberate government intervention if we are to achieve vision 2030 in the next twenty years and the time to act is now.

We all know how important relationships are to the achievement of the above-mentioned vision. In fact without relationships, the Kenyan state as we know it would probably degenerate into an unstable country. Relationships are the basic unit of the Kenyan society and the government must acknowledge the crucial role they play in the stability of our beloved country.

The current situation makes it difficult for poor people to marry into riches and kiss poverty goodbye. Young women who try to win the affections of richer men have been incorrectly labelled gold-diggers; when in reality they are just working towards the personal achievement of vision 2030.

We are, therefore, asking the Minister for Gender to come up with a policy to ensure equal opportunities for all in accessing rich spouses. Bearing in mind that people from poor backgrounds may have difficulties meeting wealthier marriage partners, the Minister should issue a directive to the effect that all rich Kenyans are compelled by law to marry economically disadvantaged citizens. This will go a long way to bridge the gap between the rich and the poor and create a more equal society.

This policy should be implemented in the next four weeks. If the ministry does not heed our call, we will mobilise all citizens who desire a better Kenya in mass protests like those that happened recently in Tunisia until this issue is resolved.

We are also preparing a list of other areas where quotas should be applied to address historic inequalities in this country.


Signed this 17th January 2011

Hakim Mzalendo
Chairman Best Kenya