Solution to the education crisis finally found

Nakuru teachers protest on 7th September, 2015. Photo: Suleiman Mbatiah/Daily Nation

The government has finally found a lasting solution to the perennial teachers' strikes as it had promised to do at the tail end of a televised presidential address on Sunday.

Bogus News can now reveal that even as the president made his speech, there was a team working diligently behind the scenes to come up with the much-needed solution that would put an end to the recurrent yearly work boycotts by school instructors. The aim of the solution seekers committee, made up of representatives from the TSC, treasury, and a selection of well-paid,  high-ranking government officials, was to find a way to reduce the percentage of the public wage bill that goes to paying teachers salaries, rather than implementing the High Court ruling that determined teachers should get a pay rise of between 50 and 60 per cent.

One member of this special team who cannot be named for fear of being charged with "betraying the government's confidence", told this Bogus News reporter that the court ruling was not binding and that it was considered as a mere suggestion that could be ignored.

Leaked documents from that lengthy meeting, that lasted all day Sunday and spilled over into the wee hours of the night, eventually ending late afternoon Monday, show that after debating millions of possibilities, the committee members narrowed down to three possibilities, which all involve firing the entire current public teaching staff.

Cheap teachers from China

The government would import cheap Chinese teachers, preferably untrained, to replace the entire public teaching staff. On closer examination, this idea was quickly discarded because of the language barrier problems it would initially pose. The Chinese teachers would require English language training. The committee of solution seekers proposed that Chinese would then become the national language of instruction in line with the government's foreign policy of "facing East." It also emerged that with the Chinese official unemployment rate being only four per cent, the government might not get enough manpower from the Asian nation to fill up all the teaching vacancies.

Homeschooling

The other option that the committee of solution seekers considered, was closing all public schools for good and changing educational policies to require children to be taught at home. With Kenya's youth unemployment  rate of about 17 per cent according to World Bank figures, the government would table a bill in parliament to offer these unemployed youth unpaid "internships" to homeschool children in their neighbourhoods. The team suggested that most Kenyan youth would take up this offer, because they were desperate, they needed the work experience and needed something to keep them busy. Parents would be advised to offer the homeschool interns food during the time they spent teaching their kids. Youth in the NYS would also be required to take up teaching duties as homeschool teachers, in addition to unblocking sewers and cleaning up slums, but they would only get an additional Sh30 per week above the Sh471 daily rate that they currently enjoy. The government would also require that one parent in two-parent homes  resign, to focus on home schooling his/her children without pay. Opinion was divided on this idea and it did not arouse much excitement from most of the team.

"Really, teaching is all about dedication and passion, so money should not come in anywhere; it is a non-issue," the chairman of the solution seekers committee told our Bogus News reporter.

Contract teachers

The last idea which had the meeting room abuzz with excitement was to offer one-year, non-renewable contracts, to fresh graduates from teacher training colleges (TTC) and universities, as well as Standard Eight and Form Four dropouts, and just about anybody who was willing to take up the public teaching jobs. Graduate teachers, whether they had just an undergraduate degree, or a master's or even a PhD, and regardless of what position they held in the school, whether head of departments or head teachers, would be paid a flat-rate of Sh25, 000 with no allowances, benefits, perks or pension. TTC teachers would be paid a flat-rate of Sh18, 000, while the school dropouts would be paid anything between Sh5, 000 and 10, 000 without any allowances or pension. The good thing would be that only the teachers earning Sh25, 000 would be required to remit Sh5, 000 to KRA every month; the rest would enjoy tax-free, perk-free, allowance-free and pension-free salaries. At the end of the year, teachers would automatically lose their jobs and could only be considered for another contract job after a waiting period of at least two years.

"This is the most workable and lasting solution and I'm sure everyone, except the selfish and unpatriotic striking teachers and their union representatives, will be happy with it. When we implement this, we will not have to raise taxes, borrow for recurrent expenditure or cut our development budget. Above all, you can be sure that there will be never be another teachers' strike in Kenya," said the grinning chairman of the solution seekers committee, as seen and heard in a secret video recording that was sent to our newsroom by one of the committee members.

The committee members are expected to table the report to the head of state when he jets back into the country. However, they are still grappling with how they will fire the tens of thousands of teachers who are currently in public service without facing irritating wrongful dismissal lawsuits. However, a new committee of experts will be formed to address this niggling consequential matter, after which the official government parrot will be tasked with breaking the news to the country.

Keep it here for all the details as the story unfolds.