Man caught on camera with torn underwear? - Blame the wife!

Why is it that when a man has a wardrobe malfunction, his wife is blamed for it? Don't men have eyes and working brains to check that their clothes are in order, and to notice that there's something off about their clothes before wearing them?

I have read many profiles of professional women and they almost always disclose that they wake up very early in the morning to prepare their husbands for work, then their children for school and lastly themselves for work. It is understandable that a woman would wake up early to get her children ready for school, but her grown and able husband? What now? Is he an impaired two-year-old who can't do anything for himself? I find it particularly disturbing when women have to take the blame for their husbands' sloppiness and even go ahead to apologise publicly for it, as is common when a male public figure has a wardrobe malfunction in full glare of the cameras.

From left: Josephine Michuki, Ida Odinga and Susan Mboya-Kidero all took responsibility for the wardrobe malfunctions of their spouses.

I remember last year when Nairobi governor Evans Kidero was photographed wearing torn socks at the launch of a new spa in Westlands, Nairobi, the next day, his wife, Susan Mboya-Kidero, took full responsibility for her husband's wardrobe malfunction, explained that it had happened because her husband left the house before she could approve what he was wearing, apologised to Nairobians for her husband's wardrobe gaffe, and vowed that she would not allow it to happen again.

Kidero was photographed wearing a torn sock

Nairobi News reported that Dr Mboya-Kidero said, “As many Nairobians know, my husband leaves the house by 5.30 a.m. each day, sometimes before I see what he has worn,” she said.

“I am putting stricter measures in place to ensure that this unfortunate incident is never repeated,” she said.

Before then, 10 years ago (March 2005), Josephine Michuki also had to apologise publicly when her husband, John Michuki, who was the member of parliament for Kangema and the minister for environment, was photographed at a public event in torn socks.

Michuki's torn sock as photographed in 2005

Today, the Standard published a photo of CORD leader Raila Odinga wearing a "laughing" shoe and though the bulk of the comments are dissing him as a person, I have seen a few people asking where his wife Ida was, in that she allowed him to step out with such a worn out shoe. Soon after photos of her husband in a "laughing" shoe went viral on social media, Ida Odinga came out to defend her husband, saying that as a fashionista, she would never allow her husband to go out in torn shoes and that Raila's shoe only got damaged after he bumped into a stone at St John's Everlasting Gospel Church in Imara Daima, Nairobi.

Raila's shoe as captured by a photographer from the Standard

This brings me to the issue of personal responsibility because in all these cases, the men never came out to defend themselves or make excuses for their wardrobe malfunctions, they just let it slide and watched as their wives came out to defend them, and to what end? It doesn't help that the media is always too quick to run to the wives for comment following such wardrobe faux pas by their husbands. Through such actions, the media, as part of society also acts as an enabler that keeps men from taking responsibility. It also doesn't help that the said wives are always too quick to offer an explanation when approached by journalists; they are not obligated to indulge them in this buffoonery, but they do. That aside, let's pause for a minute and think about this, if the shoe (or sock if you please) was on the other foot and a female public figure was photographed in torn shoes or whatever, would her husband take responsibility for that?

So when will men learn to take responsibility for their own actions and choices? This lack of personal responsibility also manifests when men cheat on their wives. Women are expected to take the blame for that: it is because you didn't do ABCD that he cheated on you. Even at bridal showers we are taught that you must do this and that: be a whore in the bedroom, a master chef in the kitchen, the best homemaker and your man will never stray; never mind that there are women who do all these prescribed things and their men still cheat. You'll never hear anyone telling men to do one thing or another to keep their wives from straying. It is almost expected that a wife will never stray because that is an abomination, but if the man strays, oh well, men cheat, get used to it!

Women also let cheating men off the hook too easily when they decide to attack the "other" woman. Why did she seduce my husband? If that husband-snatcher had not tempted my hubby he would not have slept with her! But when will the man ever take responsibility for making the decision to cheat on his wife? Never, because the wife and society won't let him.

It's not just about wardrobe malfunctions and cheating, there are many other instances in which we (women and society as a whole) don't allow men to take responsibility for their actions. We treat men like brainless robots who cannot be  held responsible for anything they do. No matter what a man does, we will always find a way to blame ourselves, as their wives, or blame his wife, for actions that he choose to take himself.

This is the 21st century and we need to rethink the role of women. Women were made for greater things than just ensuring that a man doesn't have torn underwear socks or clothes; surely a grown man can do that for himself! If you come late from your drinking sprees, don't cause a ruckus claiming that your wife has to be the one coming to open the door for you and warm your food or even make it from scratch in the wee hours of the night. Don't expect your wife to wake up at 5am to heat your bath water and carry it to the bathroom as you snore away enjoying uninterrupted sleep; you have hands, you can do it yourself. Please, stop acting like zombies; you are better than that. If you have brains, hands, eyes and all other body organs, they are at your disposal for a reason, use them!

Rogue women need to be tamed

A little slap goes a long way to tame a rogue woman.

I would never have thought how true this saying rings for many Kenyans, were it not for an incident last week.  You see, it’s been a while since I came across a gender violence story that shook me up as much as the one of the Nyeri man whose wife hacked his face and left a jigsaw of stitches that bore the evidence too well. So I have been under the impression that gender violence cases had gone down, though my assumption was not backed by any science.

As I write this, someone is probably being clobbered senseless in a spate of violence, whose aftermath may not reach the media unless it is too gory to be ignored. Numbers from the most recent demographic survey remind me that almost half (45%) of all Kenyan women aged 15-49years have experienced physical or sexual violence. Of those who were ever married in the five years before the survey, 47% experienced physical, emotional or sexual violence.  And three percent of women perpetrated violence against their husbands. (KDHS 2008/09)

These figures are too high for my liking, but I still entertain the romantic view that there is a type of man who would never lay his hand on a woman no matter what the circumstances. I imagined the Nairobi governor Dr Evans Kidero as one such man, but appearances do not necessarily make for accurate judgment; because last Friday, our dear governor Dr Kidero, allegedly slapped Nairobi Women Representative, Rachel Shebesh. Shebesh had stormed the governor’s office with a mob to demand for better pay for county workers. It all happened so fast and it is hard to decipher what really transpired, but there is a slap, the shocked cries of Shebesh wondering if she really has been slapped, and the arrogant answer of her assailant, "Yes, kwenda huko!"  Different sides have disputed what happened. Kidero does not recall slapping anybody and I guess we have all moved on from there.

 In the usual Kenyan fashion, there were a lot of jokes to be cracked about the whole scenario, which curiously looked like a scene from one of those Mexican soaps or Nigerian movies. Then there was the debate about whether Shebesh deserved to be slapped after all. One side argued that no matter the circumstances, the slap was not justified. The other side insisted that she brought it upon herself and that it was long overdue – this loud-mouthed and irritating rogue woman ought to have been slapped back to her senses a long time ago; heck, they would do the same if they were in Kidero's shoes. Someone added that he had never heard of anyone dying from a slap, so he couldn’t understand what the hullabaloo was about. Others wondered why there wasn't as much outrage when people like the former first lady allegedly slapped a government official. All in all there was a lot of justification for beating up a woman as illustrated in a storify I compiled titled: It's ok to beat up a woman if...

I found these attitudes, from both men and women who insisted that a 'rogue' woman like Shebesh should be tamed, very disturbing. More so because they were coming from the people I least expected to support violence of any kind – be it a little, harmless slap, or a heavy, senseless clobbering. Those who stood up for violence, were not necessarily the usual culprits I have in mind, every time I read a report on GBV in Kenya. Such reports usually cite culture as one of the reasons violence, especially against women, is still rampant, but I usually associate that with images of uncultured, hardcore traditionalists, who believe that women and children need to be beaten into place, lest they veer off the path of submission. They believe that beating up a woman is the normal African thing to do.

Now, in my mind there is a sharp contrast between them and an educated, urbane and well-exposed man – the latter would never lay a hand on a woman because he cares for good taste, has manners born of sound upbringing and education, or so I thought. After the Kidero-Shebesh incident, I have had to discard that notion because it seems the belief that there is a certain type of woman who deserves to be tamed with slaps and blows that put her firmly back in her place is very alive, deeply-rooted and widespread, even among men and women I wouldn't think would harbour such attitudes.

I do not condone violence against women or men, because I believe as civilised grownups, we should have figured out how to take charge of our emotions and deal with conflict in a mature way – there is no place for emotional outbursts and violence on the table of well-bred adults. And just like the Constitution in Article 28, I believe that every person should be treated with dignity and every person has the right not to be subjected to violence from either public or private (domestic) sources – Article 29(c)

Unfortunately, it seems we still have a long way to go before we get there.



 "Women's forced subordinate status (both economic and social) makes them vulnerable to violence and contributes to an environment that wrongly accepts, excuses and even expects violence against women" – NPCD policy brief 26, SGBV in Kenya: A Call for Action (June 2012)