Following the release of a corruption survey that showed unfair advantage in reaping from corruption, the government has announced that it will roll out civic education to ensure that all citizens have equal opportunities to eat the national pie. Below is the government parrot's speech to announce the plans.
Dear citizens,
I know that you have not read the corruption survey report, but do not worry because I already read it for you. I am not surprised that the usual corruption suspects have emerged tops. They perfected the art of reaping from the corruption basket a long time ago. I am also not surprised that lawyers and land surveyors are suspected to make tidy sums out of the bribes and inducements you invest in them. You are all too kind, but I can't help feeling sorry for you because you have been reduced to victims. But do not worry, I will sort you out so that you can also reap the fruits of corruption.
As you well know by now, the recently released corruption survey cannot pass unmentioned because if it did I would have failed in my duty as the chief government parrot. I am sure you heard about the Indian minister who told his countrymen that while looting is a no-no, pinching a little bit from the public coffers is OK and I agree with him. And that is what we as a government have decided to teach you to do. It has come to our attention, by way of our advisors that every time a report on corruption is released, the common mwananchi feel shortchanged because they can only watch as the bigwigs eat. Being an election year, we cannot afford to have you all resentful towards us so we will show you how to reap where you are because you are not in a position to loot like the bigwigs. You probably remember those hapless diaspora scientists who were trying to force an anti-corruption vaccine down your babies' throats. They had us disturbed because for a moment we thought you would side with them and demand the vaccines. But thankfully you were sensible enough and defended corruption, because I'm sure we all know that one day it will be your turn to eat big. For now I can only promise to teach you how to eat the breadcrumbs as you work your way up. Last year, I promised to roll out civic education to teach you how you can also benefit from corruption.
I must apologize for the delay in rolling out this long overdue and revolutionary skills transfer programme. But as you all understand, new projects such as this provide opportunities for eating higher up the corruption chain. Hopefully after the big cats are done dipping their hands in the funds set aside for this project, there will be some left to trickle down to you in form of civic education. It is a win-win situation: A fat cat will line his pockets and you will acquire skills to play in your local corruption league. You will no longer be left out or reduced to victims who only pay bribes and watch while the receivers get wealthier. But before that let me get this off my chest.
I heard you give an average of Sh9,000 as bribes. And you call yourselves "sufferers"!? You guys are rich and soon I will teach you how to get people to line your pockets too. Also, some of you said that you don't know where to report incidents of corruption. How silly! What do you want to report corruption for? Don't be naive! Get on the bus and make some money for yourselves because times are hard. In any case, we have made sure that the offices where you could report are too far or otherwise inaccessible, so give up already!
And now dear citizens, I cannot say for sure when the civic education will start, but I can assure you that the bigwigs are almost done carving out their cuts and once we see what's left to work with we'll put you on board. In the meantime I will give you a helpful hint. This is how it works: when you want a job you bribe someone and you get in. So close your eyes and think: what are you doing every day that people can bribe you for? Wives why are you performing wifely duties for free? Teachers why do you complain about earning peanuts when you can get bribes from parents to get their children into your top-performing class? Those are just tidbits and the rest will be given to you during civic education. Until then, I am your proud parrot.
